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I know I haven’t been posting much lately. Sorry about that.
I have been working 10-12 hour days. But the bigger issue is that I’ve been struggling with sadness and motivation to do anything in this transition time. I’m frustrated. Soooo frustrated.
Frustrated with my expectations not being met. Frustrated because I have no idea what God is doing. Frustrated that everything is in flux all at the same time and there’s nothing I can do unless I choose to stay put and not move forward.
I want to move forward.
I need to move forward.
But it is not easy.
I’ll admit to all y’all that I’m emotionally and spiritually exhausted and I’m fighting the urge to complain and be a full on spewer of negativity about this time of transition.
So two days ago I decided to read a Psalm a day…to reinforce what I refer to as The David Principle.
The David Principle is when you take all your negative feelings and the real true crap of what’s going on in your life and vent only to God about it. Like David did in the Psalms.
Then, when you’ve gotten it all out…you worship God. There by reminding yourself that God is glorious and merciful, and able to turn around the worst parts of your life for your good. Here’s a jam from my current worship playlist, Chainbreaker.
In my sadness, I’m struggling with my “be bold and courageous” right now. And I really need to be brave because everything in my world is in flux right now. My only security and stable thing right now is Jesus. Literally everything else is in flux.
Anyway…here’s a snippet of my Psalm of the Day:
“But in the depths of my heart I truly know that you have become my Shield; You take me and surround me with Yourself. Your glory covers me continually. You alone restore my courage; for you lift high my head when I bow low in shame. I have cried out to you and from Your holy presence, You send me a father’s help.” Psalm 3:3-4 TPT
I needed this reminder.
I needed to be reminded that He is always here for me. I just need to focus my my attention to Him. Even just reading this Psalm and told me what I needed to hear today. My daily bread from Heaven today!!
I needed to be reminded that this is only temporary but God is permanent. He loves me, and I am going to get through this.
Point to ponder while you wander…”My true Hero comes to my rescue, For the Lord alone is my Savior.” Psalm 3:8
Deep Thought Thursday: God’s not looking for a show.
“Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don’t make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won’t be applauding.” -Jesus (as quoted in Matthew 6:1, Message Version)
So if God doesn’t want us to “play righteous” or to “be good”? What does He want from us?
He doesn’t want anything FROM us, He wants US. He wants the real us. The REAL YOU. The REAL ME. No one can have an authentic relationship with someone who is fake and pretending, including the Almighty God.
I remember the first time I really got real with God. I was in a class called Healing for Women.* We were supposed to come to class and journal every week. And I’d been faking it the whole time. Meaning I was showing up, participating in class, and doing the journaling BUT…I wasn’t really being real. I was telling people what I thought I was supposed to say. Speaking Christian-ese. Then one Saturday night I got real. I filled pages and pages in the notebook I was journaling in. It was ugly and it hurt like all get out, but I was real for the first time. Then I read it and sobbed. One of the things I realized was that I was livid at God. And I just “knew” that being angry with God was a sin and I was going straight to hell. That being said I still went to church the next morning (maybe my church attendance would help me with the hell problem). During our hug and handshake time, I had a full-fledged breakdown. I went to the bathroom to finish my breakdown out of the presence of my pastors, friends, and church family. No one needs to see that.
On my way to hide out, I literally ran right into my friend Michelle because I couldn’t see through the tears. Here’s the gist of our conversation:
“Jilly, are you alright?”
“No. I’m going to hell.”
Looking confused. “Um, why do you think you’re going to hell?”
“Because I’m angry with God.”
“You don’t think God knows you are angry with Him?”
Me looking confused. “Um?”
“Jilly, He knows. But now that YOU know, He can deal with it. Just admit it and apologize to Him and move on.”
“I can do that?”
Nodding head. “Definitely.”
Now I “knew” that God knew everything. Hello, He’s God. Duh. But it never crossed my mind that despite the fact that He knew I was angry with Him and falsely accusing Him of causing every bad thing in my life- He loved me unconditionally anyway. Who is this God who loves whacked out broken people who blame Him for all the bad stuff, take credit for the good He does, and generally disregard His Word? He must be crazy, that God.
But something happened right then. Something changed in me. I got hungry. For the first time I wanted to get to know this “crazy” God. I knew of Him, but I didn’t know Him. It’s like Job at the end of the story having his eyes opened, and seeing God clearly for the first time. The God I thought He was would have smited me outright. But this God knew my mess and still loved me. Wow. I was wrong. I misjudged Him completely.
My being real with myself led me to be real with God. Being real with Him, led me to seeking Him, to really know and have a relationship with Him. I began to seek Him. And when I sought Him, I found Him.
I found Him to be trustworthy, faithful, loving, kind, and welcoming. He’d always been that way. He’d always been right there, as close as the air I breathe. Even though I turned my back on Him, He never left me. He never gave up on me. His arms were always open to me, I just didn’t know. That’s who God really is. The real Yahweh. He cannot lie. He cannot be anything other than who He is. And that is what He wants from you. To be straight up real with Him.
He wanted a real relationship with Adam and Eve too, but they chose knowledge over Him. He wanted it from the Children of Israel too, but they chose religion and the law over Him. This is what God had to say about their choice of the law over being real with Him:
“I hate all your show and pretense—
the hypocrisy of your religious festivals and solemn assemblies.
I will not accept your burnt offerings and grain offerings.
I won’t even notice all your choice peace offerings.
Away with your noisy hymns of praise!
I will not listen to the music of your harps.
Instead, I want to see a mighty flood of justice,
an endless river of righteous living.” Amos 5:21-24
God does not want another performance or a faux show from you. He wants you to be raw and real with Him. He doesn’t want you to pretend to be good or act happy. He wants to give you real joy and real peace. He wants you to come to Him broken and honest, so He can heal and help you. He can heal any broken place that you open up and give Him. He can restore anyone and anything that comes to Him. Nothing is too difficult for Him.
But He can only work within the confines of our choices. So if you choose to wall yourself in and pretend that you are fine, He’ll honor that choice. It’s not what He wants, but He’ll respect your choice.
While I chose to keep myself shut up and not let Him in, He respected that. He never left me, but He didn’t interfere either. He never forced His way in. But when I opened up a smidge, and let Him in a little. He healed the area that I let Him in. Then I let Him in a little more and a little more. Each time I invited Him in, He brought healing and peace with Him. He’ll do the same for you.
Choose to be real with Him. David was real with God. And God called David a man after his own heart. Did you hear me? God called the man who got another man’s wife pregnant (AND was responsible for that same man’s death) a man after His own heart. Why? Because of their relationship. He saw through David’s behavior to his heart. He knew David, the real David, because David never held anything back from God. Good, bad, ugly. He gave it all to the Lord. Don’t believe me, read Psalm 51 where He lays the Bathsheba debacle before the Lord. That Psalm shows a real relationship with God.
To be real or not to be real. Choice is yours.
*If you are a woman living in SE Michigan and want to take Healing for Women, go to this link for information. This session is closed but the next one starts 11/25/13. It will change your life.