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Hey Judas! You need a Heart Check.

Elijah’s List posted this recently.

WOW! Heart check!!!

Seriously though, take a minute and ponder that.

I’ll wait….

When I pondered…I thought of the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. When Screwtape tells Wormwood to focus the patient’s attention on petty things while he was at church. So the patient wouldn’t focus on the Word and how it applies to himself.

Judas did focus on the petty. The negative. And he remained a sceptic despite seeing miracles right before his eyes. He didn’t read about the miracle of the fish and bread feeding 5,000. He actually ate the bread and fish! He didn’t read about blind eyes being opened, he watched it happen.

Truthfully I feel bad for Judas. He didn’t enjoy His life. He clearly didn’t like himself. Seriously. Judas was with Jesus Himself for 3 years, and never actually absorbed anything about who Jesus was. Jesus was, is, and will always be love personified.

Who spends 3 solid years with Jesus, and comes out worse than where he started?

Truthfully…a lot of people.

What? Why? Who? Sacrilege!!

I know. Because I was one.

I confessed Jesus as my Savior at 16. And promptly tried to be perfect (as in without flaw) and do all the right things. I focused on behavior and looking the part.

Nothing reached my heart.

I couldn’t be perfect. And it frustrated me. My life didn’t change. No miracles happened in my life. And I was disappointed.

I ended up flipping around and going absolutely in the opposite direction. I became more critical. More judgmental. I loved less.

And it took a good 7 years before I gave it another shot. At 16, I shoved the Word at people…but at 25 I started applying the Word inward. I began to deal with my heart issues. My broken places began to heal. It was a process that still continues. It’s a day to day walk.

I can tell you that it’s much easier to point fingers and throw rules at people than it is to love them. It’s easier to criticize, scoff & judge.

But…if you take that pointing the finger and judging everyone path. You won’t heal. You won’t grow.

I think that’s what happened to Judas. I think he allowed his natural skeptic to dismiss miracles. He chose not to receive the love and teaching from Jesus. He chose not to heal and grow.

We have a choice too. Perspective and attitude are everything. Being open isn’t alway easy. Neither is change. Not for me. Not for you. Not for the disciples either.

Let’s be real…the 12 disciples are like us. They screwed up. They didn’t always understand. They acted without thinking. They lost their tempers.

But the difference between Judas and the other 11 is that the 11 grew and changed. They applied what Jesus taught them and walked it out.

Were the perfect? Um…definitely not. And neither are we. Neither are your leaders. We are all human. Doing our best. We are all given a choice.

Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!” Deuteronomy 30:19 NLT

Judas got to choose too. Unfortunately we all know how that worked out. (Spoiler alert…it can’t get much uglier).

Judas was bitter. I don’t want to be bitter, but some days I see myself heading in that direction.

Judas was a cynic. I don’t want to be an eye rolling cynic, but sometimes I am.

Judus had a greedy, selfish & negative outlook. Sometimes I do too.

I don’t want to be a complainer or a gossiper either. But some days I am.

So this is a heart check for me. To go back to Jesus on the rough days. The days I’m more Judas-like than Jesus-like and ask Him to show me what is going on in my heart and head so I can deal with the root of it and have a better attitude and perspective.

Especially with all the chaos in my life right now…I need more Jesus time. More worship. More Word. And less judgmental attitude. Less pessimism.

Point to ponder while you wander…..

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Waste of Life

After yesterday’s rant about identity and waiting for the best, I have to share this link a friend posted. It’s about how girls get told “wait” and how frustrating that is when you get into your late 20s and into your 30s. Click Here for the link..

I agree with what she says about living our lives and not sitting and waiting for a spouse to complete us. I hit that point she’s talking about a long while ago. I would like a husband, but I’m not going to put my life on hold until I get one. I think that’s a waste of life.

I have friends who are living full out like me, but I also know some guys and gals who are crying and pleading with God for a spouse. It’s their sole focus. They think it will fix everything. I disagree. Having a relationship, same as having money, doesn’t create instant happiness. Is it nice to have? Yes. But is it a cure all? No.

If you are miserable single, you’ll be miserable in a relationship.

If you are full of joy single, you’ll be full of joy in a relationship.

If you are bitter single, you’ll be bitter in a relationship.

If you live each day to the fullest single, you’ll enjoy each day to the fullest in a relationship.

If you live solely on your emotions when you’re single, you’ll do the same in your relationship.

I think that the problem for a lot of women (and men too) is that we weren’t taught about who we are in God. We are given a template and expected to fit into that template. And God is sitting there wondering where the leaders got the template, because it was NOT from Him.

Not everyone is going to meet their spouse in high school or college. Not everyone will be married by 22 and having their first baby by 25. There are a lot of people who aren’t even ready to be in a relationship or get married in their 20s. Everyone has a calling, but not everyone is called to be a pastor or to marry a pastor.

God created a good plan for us, but it isn’t necessarily like the plans of those around us. If you really want to live out God’s will (which simply means His heart’s desire and wish for your life) then you need to realize that you are NOT your sister, brother, cousin, friend, pastor, parent or anyone else. You are YOU. And God loves YOU. He knit YOU together in your mother’s womb. (Psalm 139) He made YOU unique. That means that He also made your plan to uniquely fit YOU.

One of the most freeing things I’ve experienced was to realize that I wasn’t ever going to be like my sisters or my friends, I could only be me. While I was really mad about it at the time, it freed me. I like that I’m kind of a weirdo. I like that I need alone time to recharge. I like that I scrapbook my stamp collection. I like that my bathroom is the BRIGHTEST yellow you’ve ever seen. (My mom actually laughed about the color of my bathroom this past weekend). I like that I have an insanely vivid imagination. I like that I love Superman and honestly want to marry Clark Kent. I like that I watch Disney princess, musicals, Star Wars, and Jane Austen movies. I love that I talk to God all day long and dance around my house when I worship Him. I like that I drink chocolate milk from the container. I like that I have Doris Day on my iPod. I like that I am 7 on the inside, look 25 on the outside and am actually 38. I like that I mix my cake and ice cream together at birthday parties. I like who I am. I’m still working on the full on loving the way I look, but I’m speaking kindly to myself now. So I consider that to be progress.

I was a wreck at 21. I was under construction at 25, 30 and even now at 38. I have improved and I am not who I was then. I have allowed God to heal me. I’ve allowed God’s word to transform my thinking. I’ve allowed Him to love me and call me His beloved Jillian. I never believed He could love me before, so this is new. And I like it! I love that God has been patient with me, because I am a very slow changer. I like change, but I change sloooow. I receive the word immediately, but the implementation… well… it’s like Michigan road construction slow.

I said all that to say that I’m very grateful that God knew better than to send me my husband before I was ready. I appreciate that He and I dealt with the issues so I didn’t end up with a mess of a marriage or end up divorced. I’m grateful that He not only gave me a promise to hold on to, but He showed me why waiting for that promise was worth it. He showed me why it’s worth it even while I’m still waiting. He’s cool that God!

We have the right to choose to marry anyone who wants to marry us. God gives us that choice. I could have been married before now, but I chose to wait. For me, the only choice is to wait for a mature man of God who fits perfectly into the relationship I have with God. I will not marry anyone who distracts me from God. My heart’s desire is for a man who will cover me and pray for me to have an even better relationship with God and likes the little weirdo I am. If that means I wait 10 more years (on top of the 10 years that have already passed since I’ve gotten my promise that I will be married), then I will enjoy my life right where I am for those 10 years.

You ARE going to wait my friends. But it is your choice what you do with the time you are waiting. So you can choose to focus on finding a spouse and waste valuable life time. Or you can choose to enjoy the time.

So why not use this time that you have to cultivate a relationship with God? Why not use the time to develop your talents and deal with your issues? Why not enjoy every day? Trust me when I say, life is wayyyy more fun when you’re focused on God. God’s a blast people. Seriously.

Note to God: You and I both know I’m ready, so please don’t make me wait 10 more years. But if You need those years, that’s okay too. I love You either way.