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I’m currently down with a sinus infection. So after picking up my prescription today I went to the store to get some essentials. And I found these…
For those of you who don’t know, these glorious things are pear tomatoes. One of my top ten favorite foods.
NaNa used to grow these for me when I was young. Being alone in a new city, and sick, I needed this today. I needed happy yellow fruit and the memory of something NaNa used to grow specifically for me, because she knew I loved them.
I don’t have a point for you to ponder while you wander today. I just needed to share my little spot of joy in my Kleenex and Neti Pot filled sick day.
I also have a sick day confession… Hallmark Christmas Movies started today and I was sucked in to watching two of them before my nap. I know. I know. I broke my rule about all things Christmas waiting until after Thanksgiving today. But Hallmark Christmas Movies are the cheesiest (and by cheesiest I mean ooey gooey heartwarming and predictable but I love them and cannot help myself) and best! Now I want to have a cheesy Christmas romance in my life soooo bad that it’s ridiculous.
Hallmark Christmas Movies are indeed my guilty pleasure and apparently my kryptonite.
This has been confessions with the Red Hot Jilly Pepper. I am sorry but not sorry. And you’re welcome to join my Hallmark movie support group. I’ve got tissues. You bring the snacks. We’ll watch together and dream of our own perfectly orchestrated Christmas romances. 😉
Last New Year’s Eve I was supposed to hang out with someone, they bailed on me last minute. I was irate.
New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday…so I did not want to stay home and mope.
But what was I going to do?
Find a party?
Call other friends?
Go celebrate with Nanny and Pops?
So I stopped at CVS and bought some party hats and sparkling grape juice and showed up to celebrate with them completely unannounced.
Here’s some of the fun we had…
I didn’t know it then, but this was their last time ringing in the new year. A few short weeks later Nanny went into the hospital and was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Two months later I lost them both.
I am so glad I chose to interrupt their quiet evening and keep them up til midnight; singing and dancing around their house, and laughing with them.
Point to ponder while you wander… Please take time to celebrate milestones. Be silly! Enjoy the people in your life. Those memories of giggles and sillyness strengthen and buoy you in the sad times. Trust me on that.
Cheers to great memories! And Happy 80th Birthday, Nanny!
”This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it!” Psalm 118:24 NKJV
I’ll be honest, the past few months it has been a struggle to make it through the day without losing my temper, crying, or both. I’ve gone inward in my grief, and tried to shut out the world.
So far, in my darkened room this month, I’ve watched the first 4 seasons of Criminal Minds on Netflix.
When you are sad and depressed, Criminal Minds is probably not the show to binge watch, FYI.
I had just begun to process life without my Dad, when my Nana was diagnosed with lung cancer in January. Then I lost both her and my Papa in March. It sucks.
I love them. I enjoyed spending time with them. They were my people.
On top of that my grandparents were my security blanket in a lot of ways. Their home was always a safety zone for me. I lived there when I was a baby, spent summers there as a child, and lived there when I was unemployed.
It was my home base. I was there with my cousins for every holiday beginning with Papa Day (St. Patrick’s Day), ending with Christmas, and every random one in between. If life sucked I could go there and be safe. I went there on sunny summer days to play Scrabble with Nana on the Deck. I went there before blizzards to make sure they had what they needed. I went there just to hug them.
I not only lost my people, I lost my home.
Normally their house was where I went when life belted me, and now in the hardest loss I’ve ever faced, I can’t go where I’ve always gone for comfort.
I know I’m supposed to be comforted by Holy Spirit, and I am. If I didnt have Him, I wouldn’t have been capable of being there for them in their last days. I would have been weeping constantly and been of zero use to anyone. He is amazing. I still feel His presence and have the peace Jesus brings. But I still feel blah about life right now.
I don’t know how to move forward.
I don’t want to accept the new normal.
I want to sit in my darkened room and watch Criminal Minds.
I don’t want to miss them every day.
I don’t want to feel how much this hurts.
I don’t want to think about them not being at future events.
I don’t want my heart to hurt because it’s 4th of July weekend and there will be no cookout. There will not be hide and seek with my cousin’s kiddos in the back yard. The back yard is blooming with her flowers but she is not there. His yard has been mowed but not by him.
Death sucks. I’m so glad Jesus beat the crap out of death and was resurrected. I’m so glad Jesus is alive! Because it means I will see my people again…and they will be happy and healthy and free.
But it doesn’t change that I need to feel the feelings and deal with the waves of grief that are drowning me in sadness. Even though I don’t really know how to move forward, and I’m not sure I want to…I know I need to.
They loved me and would hate that I’m so sad that I’m wasting their favorite sunshine filled days in a darkened room.
I have no regrets. I was there with them when they left this world. That was a gift. I spent consistent time with them when I had them here. That was also a gift.
I could go on here about how sad I am right now and how many times I broke down crying while typing this…but that isn’t the point I want to make.
The point is that I will miss them forever at every event. That will not change.
I need to choose to feel those feelings and choose to deal with them. I need to choose continue to live my life, instead of choosing to hide out. I need to choose joy. Because the joy of the Lord is my strength. And I need that strength to get through this time.
Point to ponder while you wander…
“This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it!” Psalm 118:24
I believe that each day is a gift. Living this belief is a choice. Being determined to declare that no matter what this day brings I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. #joyisstrength
I’m getting ready to move out of the house I’ve owned since 2007. Moving isn’t really new to me, I’ve moved close to 20+ times in my life. No big deal really.
But when I was packing my kitchen today my eyes got teary at this sight. To you it’s just spices in a cabinet. But to me it’s the cabinet my Nana painted and lined for me when I first moved into the house. In fact she painted my entire kitchen. The walls. The ceiling. And every cabinet inside and out. To me this photo is my Nana showing me she loves me. To me this is what love looks like.
This photo is of my weathered mailbox. The mailbox that has been hit and knocked down sooo many times that I stopped putting it back up and got a P.O Box. Then one day I look out my window and there’s my Papa out there digging a hole in my front yard. He was at Home Depot and decided to buy me a mailbox post and install it for me just because. He’s not a big talker, my Pops, but that mailbox spoke volumes. To me that’s what love looks like.
“Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” I John 3:18 NIV
Something to ponder while you wander…love isn’t just an emotion to be felt, it’s an action to be shown. That’s why to me love looks like this cabinet and mailbox post.