jillbeingstill

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If You Want Me To

In January 2010, God released me. I was at my church I’d been at since 2003. It was my home and my 2nd family. I loved it there. sigh. Anyway. We were in praise and worship and singing Jesus Lead Me On by Planetshakers. I was dancing and singing and just enjoying God’s presence…and BAM He released me. I felt different. It was one of those moments like Jesus after His baptism. I felt the fresh anointing. I felt refreshed. The peace was AMAZING! I was ready to take on the world!!!

Now had I listened fully, I would have understood He was releasing me from my church to send me to a different church. But I didn’t. I heard released and took that to mean I get to go where I want. And I wanted to go to England! So I tried everything in my power to get to England. Feel free to laugh. It’s funny. Now. It’s funny now.

What followed then wasn’t funny. I lost my job. Couldn’t afford my house. And finally at age 35, I had to live with my mom. For almost a year. I had to turn my car in to the bank, I couldn’t afford it. I felt like I’d lost everything.

Then in that broken place God started dealing with some of the darkest and most broken places of my heart and soul. The things that were so deep, I didn’t know they were there. It was painful. I would journal and then burn the pages in my sister’s woodstove so no one could read it. It was that dark. But slowly I came out of it. I’m grateful to my Mom and family for providing a safe place for me to fall apart. I’m grateful that God never left me. I’m grateful that that junk is gone. I’m grateful that when God heals, it’s so completely that it changes you forever. I’m grateful that when God restores, He gives you back what you lost plus some. I’m grateful that even when I don’t fully listen, God still moves on my behalf.

There’s way more to this story about God’s provision and things He spoke to me along the way. But this is a blog, not a book.

Anyway…after a year at my Mom’s, my old company called me. I got a job. My friend’s parents (who were like my 2nd parents) let me stay with them until I could get a place. I went back to my church. I got a new car. I got my house back. It’s like it was before I lost everything. But something was off. My church hadn’t changed, but I had. It wasn’t home anymore. But I loved the people and I didn’t want to leave. I loved the word and the worship. I didn’t want to leave. But it got to the point where I’d sit in service and leave exactly the way I came in only annoyed. I wasn’t moved by the vision of the house anymore and I couldn’t understand it. So I asked God.

This was His response, “Jill, I released you from here in 2010, why are you still here?”

Then it all clicked. Ohhhhh! That’s what you meant. You released me from my church. He made it clear where I needed to be and confirmed it. I’ve been there ever since.

What’s my point? I actually have 2.

One. What is going on, may not actually be what’s going on. Sometimes what looks like a season of loss is actually a season of gain because God’s changing you and changing your thinking. Embrace it, even if it hurts and it sucks and it takes away all your independence and pride. I promise you it’s worth it.

Two. When God speaks, listen. Write it down. Ask Him to clarify and confirm. He will. Also whatever God speaks will ALWAYS line up with the Bible. Always! If you don’t fully listen you could end up like me who is still trying to explain to people why I am not in England…three years later.

God always has bigger plans for us that we have for ourselves. To illustrate, here’s a video of Ginny Owens, a very talented singer/songwriter about her journey to being a recording artist. She really wanted to be a High School choir director, but God had different plans for her. It also includes her song “If you want me to.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLgkt3OCMCc

Happy Monday!

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